To the ladies:
If you are a victim of sexual abuse, if a man has exposed himself to you, if a man has physically tried to force himself on you, if a man has tried to coerce a sexual relationship with you through threats of retaliation (express or implied), you have our condolences, and we have your back. We wholeheartedly condemn such acts and such men. They have abused their masculinity and their positions and thus are the objects of our shame.
They are usually bigger than you and stronger than you. They often have positions of power over you. There are no good solutions for you in these situations. But here’s one that has not been used nearly enough: Tell us. If you need protection from such men, there is a brotherhood who stands with you and against them. We offer our strength, courage, skills, and toughness to protect you. We exist. Find such men and bring them into your life. In fact, when choosing a significant other, “Will he protect me?” should be high on the list. It’s not a bad quality to find in your male friends, either.
To be clear, you’re not being blamed if you don’t have such men in your life – but it’s part of the solution. Look, I get it that the first part of the solution should be that men stop abusing and harassing women, and I agree. But I also know that there have always been evil men, and always will be. As a result, men must develop the ability to deal harshly with other men who abuse and harass women, and women have to surround themselves men who are willing and able to protect them from abusers and harassers.
But here’s what we need you to understand: men are going to notice and sometimes compliment your appearance. Some of you are going to get catcalls when you walk down a public street. Men are visually driven. Compliments and catcalls are going to happen to some of you. Men will flirt with many of you. It happens. Sometimes you’ll like the flirting, sometimes you won’t. When not attached to threats, either express or implied, such incidents are not harassment and certainly not abuse. However, it seems that some of the #MeToo crowd desires victimhood so much that they’re claiming to have suffered sexual harassment or abuse because a man complimented their appearance or flirted with them. We can’t help when we as an entire sex are made to be the enemy or the problem.
Our cause against true predators is undermined both when you don’t push back and when you push too far, when you overlook legitimate harassment and abuse and when you claim harassment from men who gave you an honest compliment. Both are unbecoming of strong women. Both promote victimhood. If we really want women to be empowered, stop equating compliments with harassment. Report the abuse and harassment every time, knowing that we will help you, and move on when you receive an unwanted, awkward, or stupid compliment, knowing that we do awkward and stupid things when we see beautiful women.
Harvey Weinstein and his ilk are scum. The man who implies that you will not advance in your career unless you engage with him romantically or serve as his eye candy needs to lose his position or his teeth. We can help with both. When there is unwanted flirting or compliments that don’t stop after you’ve made it clear for them to stop, we can help. When bad men cross the line, men who are good at being men can help you. The relationship between men and women has always been a synergy where the two sexes complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Together, we can make life better for each other. Ladies, many of us stand ready to help against those who would harass or abuse you. You don’t have to take it, even from powerful men. If there’s a Harvey Weinstein in your life, we can help take him down, literally and figuratively. Because if there’s one thing that’s always been true of men, it’s that we love women.
*If you enjoyed this post, do two things: (1) enter your information below to subscribe to my mailing list and get my free report, Why Men Need a Mid-life Crisis, and (2) use the share buttons below to share this article on social media. Thanks.
I’m an attorney, a husband for 20 years, and a father of four. And I’m restless. I’m convinced that there’s more in life for men than we’re getting. I’m ready for more, ready to lead my family on a tremendous journey. Join me.
Believe me, the main issue women are facing is not “flirting”. Catcalls can be more frightening than you realize, due to history with abusive men or for simply being in an uneasy environment. Just say you will be there to back the women in your life and believe them when they confide in you. period….any further explanation of what you “think” women should do is absolute trash.
I certainly agree that the main issue that women are facing is not flirting or cat calls, as the Weinstein incidents have made clear. However, there are those who then push too far and allege harassment or abuse when it does not exist. While I might empathize with a woman who becomes frightened, not everything that frightens constitutes abuse or harassment. I encourage all men to “back” the women in their lives, but this doesn’t mean accepting every claim of harassment as being accurately portrayed or assessed. It does likely mean finding out what happened, if possible, and taking action when appropriate. The point of the article is to encourage women to surround themselves with men who will take up for them in response to legitimate harassment and abuse. However, if we’re going to play the game of “do what I say or keep your mouth shut”, then I guess I would get to say that you should just support the claims of my article and believe them, because any further explanation of what you think men should do is “absolute trash”. But I won’t do that.
You just did do that?
And tell me again how catcalling isn’t sexual harassment?
harassment (typically of a woman) in a workplace, or other professional or social situation, involving the making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks.
Catcalling is juvenile, but hardly harassment unless done repeatedly or with threatening overtones or gestures. Not every unwanted communication is harassment, even if it involves one’s appearance. It may be rude, ignorant, or awkward, but not rising to the level of harassment or abuse. The point of the article was not that NO instances of catcalling are harassment, it’s than many of them aren’t, that true harassment gets undermined when you push to hard on incidents that should just be overlooked, and that men are available to help you with the situations that are harassing and abusive. You are pushing aside some of your most capable protectors when you tell us to think like you or shut up. We won’t shut up, but we might just ignore you. Actually, we probably won’t. The better among us will still help you.
I understand the point of your article. What I don’t understand is why you feel like you should write a “letter to the ladies” when it is mostly women being perpetrated by men…we are the victims yet you give us some instructional letter on how to win the protection of a “good man”. This is how your article comes off to women…you know, the ones you’ve addressed this to. On a men’s lifestyle website, I would see it more prudent to write a letter to men on how they can help…not one to women on how they can help themselves through a man.
My article is both supportive (we’re here to help) and instructional (here’s how you can obtain our help). You seem to want the support without the instruction, while at the same time instructing me on how to run a men’s website. That seems odd.
I do not need instruction in order to get support. If you feel I do, it is not the support of men like you that I will ever have the need for. You wrote a letter to the ladies but are not very intent on learning our point of view, that is not supportive in any way shape or form.
I disagree. Take care.
As a man this hurts to read. You could have written a letter to men about how to be a good upstanding person. Especially considering that’s the audience of your men’s website. You could have showed men how to not be a Weinstein or how being an empathetic gentleman will help our society. There’s not a lot of that in America right now. Instead you wrote a letter directed towards victimized women, on how to not be victimized? And to look for “protective men” to stop their harrasers? All this with no refrence from any woman outside vague media coverage. You had so much room for actual empathy, and you throw it away at every chance by following all your kind hearted-ness with masculine ego. I love the women in my life. I trust and support them enough to follow through on their accusations of harrasment and assault without needing to interrogate them on what I think the severity of their allegations are. Poor article bub. Better luck next time.
You’re right that I could have done those things, and have done some of them on my site. However, my vision for what will help our society seems to be quite a bit different than yours. I’m not nearly as concerned as you about cultivating “empathetic gentlemen”. I’m much more concerned about creating strong, courageous, skillful, and honorable men, and I think such men are an underutilized solution to the problem of sexual harassers and abusers. I call men to that standard. You don’t like it because I don’t do it your way. That’s fine. The beauty of our country is that we can disagree freely on such matters. I hope that you use what you have to protect the weak. I’ll do the same, and call others to that life.
I cannot imagine a courageous, or honorable person that is without empathy. They are not characteristics that are exclusive of each other. Your blog post and deflective comments clearly show you are unempathetic to the calls of victimized women. I enjoy some of your other posts but this has most certainly deterred me from reading any more. Good luck bub.
Best of luck.
First, I sincerely want to know- are you married?? I have a reason for asking this. If you aren’t married, are you in a serious relationship. Are you IN any relationship of any kind? Do you have a daughter? Or a niece? Or a sister? Answer these for me and I will continue this “discussion”.
I’ve been married for 20 years and have one daughter.
So, when they are catcalled, do you tell them to take it as a compliment and understand that it’s just “going to happen” and that it isn’t harassment when it was unwarranted and undesired? I have 5 upstairs neighbors that cat call me on a regular basis when I come home. It is undesired, unwarranted, unreciprocated and makes me incredibly uncomfortable when I know I’m home alone. Does that make it not harassment?
If they’re walking down a street and a man catcalls them from the other side and keeps walking, I’d tell them to ignore it and move on.
In your case, with it being at your home, it needs to stop.
Also, there are men in my life that I have told of these things you say to report… to men… but you know what happens when I go to men who have wives/girlfriends/children and tell them that someone has threatened to follow me home and chain me in their basement? I get laughed at. You know what happens when I find out from GOOD men I know, that they were aware I had a stalker (I was unaware) but they thought it was amusing so they did nothing? It makes me never, EVER want to go to men with the things that MEN have done to me. Do you know what it’s like to be physically abused? I hope not. But, if you were abused, you then you would know that going to someone with a similar persona of your abuser is near impossible and can worsen symptoms of PTSD? What NEEDS to happen is that women are empowered by both men and women. What NEEDS to happen is that men like you need to understand it is never ok to just say “take it as a compliment, they meant no harm”. How belittling is that? If someone hit on your wife or daughter, and it made them uncomfortable, would you tell them to suck it up and deal with it because there was no malicious intent behind it, therefore negating and belittling their emotions and disempowering them from telling when they feel threatened? Do you see this or am I just being crazy?
If a man in your life laughed or ignored you when you told them you had a stalker or had been threatened in that way, then I have a hard time classifying them as either good men or good at being men. If any woman in my wife, especially my wife or daughter told me something similar, you can be sure that stalker would be addressed.
You’ll notice that I didn’t say that all unwanted comments should be met with “take it as a compliment, they meant no harm”. Some unwanted comments, especially those that persist after you’ve made it clear they’re unwanted or those that are accompanied by threats of any kind, should be met with consequences. A good man in your life can help bring those consequences to your harasser. My wife has worked in an office setting for years, and you can be sure that if some man were commenting on her appearance in an inappropriate manner, he would hear from me. If it persisted, he would get more than words.
Women do not need to “suck it up and deal” with true harassment or abuse. I’m trying to raise men who will help end harassment and abuse. But, a secondary point of the article is that not all unwanted or inappropriate comments rise to the level or harassment or abuse, and claiming otherwise undermines our cause. Any person should tell when they feel threatened. It will then be for others to judge whether they reasonably felt threatened or overreacted. It is a fact that people sometimes overreact, both men and women. We can’t forget that fact as we address these issues. There are always two interests at play: protecting women from abuse and protecting men from false accusations of harassment. I hope that those who value truth would seek to avoid both abuse and false accusation. That’s my goal.
Personally, I’m very sorry for what you’ve suffered. I’m bothered that men didn’t listen and stand up for you. My goal is to create men who will.
If you can’t see the issues with this article, I can’t continue any kind of conversation. You have good intentions, I get that, but your ideology and execution is misguided. It would be my hope that men would be good, but more than that it would be my hope that women wouldn’t have to run to men for help as if they are damsels in distress. It would be my hope that instead of attempting to raise up a generation of empowered men, you would be raising up a generation of empowered women. Empowered to know they have the ability and strength within themselves to overcome without always having to run to a man.
Also, my last note… who are you to determine whether or not a woman’s personal experience is harassment or not? Each person is different, they come from different backgrounds which determine their outlook on life and sometimes that means when a man says something to a woman one time that she would or could be extremely affected by it. Just like grief, everyone handles it differently. Just like bullying, everyone handles it differently or is subjected to it on an individualized basis. That’s how you need to see women when they use #metoo.
You should note that I didn’t direct women to always run to a man. I offered men who are good at being men as a resource to help address the problem, as I see that as an underutilized solution. Feel free to disagree and only use other options, but I think that’s a mistake.
As for your statements about a judging harassment claims, I guess I could just claim that you are harassing and bullying me by your comments. Using your logic, you couldn’t claim otherwise, since you don’t know my experience and how I’m reacting internally to your comments. We both know that’s silly. All claims of any type (of mistreatment or otherwise) whether made by women or men, are subject to scrutiny and evaluation by objective standards, not merely by personal experience.
In summary, I appreciate and value women. They have strengths that men do not possess. I will protect the women in my life from harassment and abuse. I will not accept all claims by all women as being true and accurately characterized.
All the best to you.
You’re exactly right- you could claim that I am bullying you! I don’t know you or your experiences or what makes you defensive or makes you feel belittled. So, yes, I stand by that. If you think I’m bullying you, then you’re entitled to think that no matter what my intentions because it’s YOUR experience, NOT mine.
I am intrigued to see other responses to this article.