Men need a dark side. Even good men. Especially good men. Otherwise, they cannot be protectors. Unfortunately, that’s no longer how we’re raised.
“I just hope he grows up to be kind and compassionate.” That’s the primary desire of mothers for their sons. They want their boys to be good. They want them to be nice. They want them to be gentle. They want them to listen. They want them to speak softly. They want them to help little old ladies cross the street. They want them to rescue kittens from trees. They want them to stop and care for the puppy stranded by the road. They want them to be friendly and agreeable.
They don’t want them to upset anyone. They don’t want them to play rough or get hurt. They don’t want them to be mean to anyone. Translation: they don’t really want them to be men.
Kind Men are a Luxury
Our society wants the same thing from men. They want us to be nice. They want us to volunteer at nursing homes and homeless shelters. They want us to donate to charities. They want us be understanding when our girlfriends and wives are having a hard time. Kindness is considered the ultimate attribute. Hell, even Tim McGraw is singing about it. Everyone wants men to be kind. Feminists bark about how their greatest hope is that their daughters are strong, but that their sons are kind.
Don’t get me wrong, kindness is great. All things being equal, I prefer to be kind and I appreciate kindness in others. The problem is that the message of “Men should be kind” often morphs into “Men should only be kind”. Men can’t ever forget that kindness is only one attribute among many that we must possess if we’re going to fulfill our role as men for our family and our community.
In fact, kindness is a luxury as an attribute. It’s a luxury that is bought and supported by the foundational attributes of strength, courage, and toughness. We can afford to cultivate and express kindness because other men came before us and did battle to win peace. We can cultivate kindness because they were willing to wage war. If we’re going to be the men that our families and communities need us to be, we have to be willing to wage war as well. We have to cultivate a dark side.
A Man’s First Obligation: Guard the Perimeter
Our first obligation as men is to guard the perimeter. It is not the police department’s responsibility to protect your family. Repeat that to yourself as many times as is necessary. It’s our responsibility. And this responsibility extends, albeit to a lesser extent, throughout our neighborhood and our community. I’m grateful for all law enforcement officers who put themselves in harm’s way for our benefit. But unless they happen to be around when the shit hits the fan, their primary role will be to write the report and investigate the case. They won’t be able to protect us or our families. That’s our job.
As a result, every man needs to be able, when necessary, to unleash hell. We need to carry a fury inside of us that, when combined with strength, courage, and skill, will overwhelm our adversaries. Unfortunately, most of us would probably look like this when we try to break bad. We’ve traded our masculinity for the easy life. We’ve become, as I wrote about in this post, the softest generation. We don’t even know where to start when it comes to being a protector.
Your dark side should look like this:
Instead, most men look like this:
Being a Protector Starts with Mindset
It starts with attitude. You have to embrace your role as protector. Once you embrace that role, your mindset changes. When that happens, the rest is just details. When you start viewing yourself as the protector, you’ll figure out what you need to fulfill the role. You’ll get strong. You’ll learn tactical skills. You’ll get competent with a gun.
But the starting point is attitude and mindset. The world consists of three types of people: sheep, wolves, and sheep dogs. The sheep go about their business and enjoy their lives. They’re either oblivious to the dangers around them or too scared and weak to do anything about it. The wolves plot to take what they want from the sheep. The sheep dogs keep watch to protect the sheep from the wolves. While the analogy and its application are not perfect, our role as men is to carry the sheep dog mentality. Our first job is to protect.
Once you adopt the protector’s mindset, the sheep dog mentality, you will cultivate a dark side. You’ll walk the earth ready to unleash hell on those who would do harm around you. And make no mistake, those people exist.
We live in the safest country in the world during the safest time in human history. This means that we can afford be a bit more lax in our role as protectors. It means that our dark side is rarely necessary. It does not mean that we can abandon our role as protectors or totally forego our dark side.
Our grandfathers needed their dark side to fight evil in wars around the world. We need it to deal with mass shooters looking to slaughter innocent people in public places. We need it to deal with Al-Quaeda, ISIS, and other such idiots. We need it to deal with terrorists who blow up buildings, bomb sporting events, ram vehicles into crowds, and conduct public beheadings in America.
Men Can’t Afford to Be Safe
This is the world we live in. While it may be safer than the past in some ways, it’s not and never will be safe. And since it will never be safe, we must embrace our role as protectors. We must cultivate a dark side. If you’re not a dangerous man, you’re not complete. So, listen to your wives and girlfriends. Let them soften your rough edges where appropriate. But never let them mold you into a safe man. The goal is to be like Aslan, the lion-king of C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia.
“Aslan is a lion – the Lion, the great Lion.” “Ooh”, said Susan, “I’d thought he was a man. Is he safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion”…”Safe?”, said Mr. Beaver … “Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
Cultivate a dark side. Fan a smoldering flame in your heart that will ignite when the time comes. Be sure that you’re good, but be sure that you’re a man. And that means being dangerous. We’ve spent plenty of time developing kindness. It’s time to get our edge back. It’s time to work on our dark side. This is the man’s life. Let’s build it. Godspeed.
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I’m an attorney, a husband for 20 years, and a father of four. And I’m restless. I’m convinced that there’s more in life for men than we’re getting. I’m ready for more, ready to lead my family on a tremendous journey. Join me.
